Everything starts with something. Looking deeply into your life is where you find those answers. I find my answers with the words in a song. No matter my mood I turn to music to get me through it. Very few people understand, or even know of my obsession with the lyrics in songs. Sitting here listening to music to get me through another moment in my life, I find myself turning once again to the wisdom of Neil...Diamond of course. My children's "Godfather". The most pivotal musician in my life. As far back as I can recall I have listened to this man and his infinite wisdom in life. Learned to find a beat in music at the age of eight in the backseat of my "biological fathers" car. And there we go...the reason (I think) for this blog. My biological father...
For as back as I can recall I've had this certain mistrust in men. Love them...sometimes too quickly and too easily for some reason. I push back into my head the negative of every man that I meet to find the good in them with my heart. The 'need' that I have with them and justify any negative influence they are on me and my heart. Until they get close, then they have to go. I am my own psychologist and can generally determine how screwed up I am on my own just by looking at myself in the mirror. It can get rather comical as you can imagine. Can you really identify your OWN problems? I guess it takes a rather intuitive and open mind. Two things I think I am blessed with.
How can someone be such a big role in your life and all the while think so little of you? This has been a reoccurring factor in my life. I think the day I heard my biological father tell my brother that he didn't care if Joe (my Dad) adopted ME but didn't want HIM to be adopted so that he could carry on his name was a big turning point in my life. This was age twelve, or almost. I think at that moment I became two things. A female with very little self value standing next to a man, and a girl who never would never put her entire heart into a mans hands. It's been hard being both. Can you really fall in love with someone when you feel, no matter their actions, that they will never view you as anything other than a below equal? I'm thinking no.
Now Joe did adopt both of us and he is now Doo. This man made me who I am. Never treated me like a girl standing next to my three brothers. Which was great for my self value as a 'girl' I guess! Played a big role in turning me into the kind of woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her. Thank God for that. Enters Chris...
Chris came along when I was nineteen. We were always doing something independently together. Both of us tried to be the man in the relationship from early on. He dared me once to try his Copenhagen, and of course I did it...and did it well. I think that was the day I fell in love with him. He never treated me like a girl. Then we married...and he never treated me like an equal. Wasn't even allowed to hold the checkbook until I contacted his Commanding Officer while he was in the field on training and told him I had no money! (That makes me laugh now thinking about it!) I spent so many years of our marriage alone and independent and looking after and caring for myself, that I became used to that. You can only imagine what was the underlying demise of our relationship! Here I am, Miss Independent and you want to come back after being gone for months and tell ME how to do something because you are the MAN? No thank you.
So here I am. Thirty five year old single mother of three BOYS! Wondering why, all of a sudden do I feel this urge to be treated like a girl? A freaking GIRL!? For someone to tell me how good I smell. How pretty I look. God forbid open a door for me and actually wait for me to go through it first. To look at me when I walk into a room. To need me. To dedicate a song to me. Ask me to dance.....Send me flowers. All of the things I see myself rolling my eyes at a two years ago.
Was told recently that I'm hard to figure out. That was VERY amusing to me because men have always looked at me and loved me for being a 'what you see is what you get' kind of girl. Looking more into what was said to me I cant help but psychoanalyze myself and see...I AM hard to figure out. IF you look deep enough....Melodie is the funny one, but don't ever take her lightly because she can blow you away with her depth. She's the friend/lover you'd protect till death, but know she could do the same for you. She wants the equality as well as the special treatment for being a girl. Give her the world, and know that she can handle it...Bottom line, love her like a girl...respect her as an equal and you'll have it made. And who knows...maybe she wont push you away when you get too close.
Biological father, I thank you. For making my life so complex that I have to search myself to find me. For putting a guard up and not trusting men with my heart. To my Doo, I thank you for giving me the education and life lessons on how to take care of myself. Because I cant seem to allow my heart to be needed to be taken care of...because of the biological father.
