Can you push things out of your life that make you who you are even though sometimes you feel that those things (good or bad) get in the way of you becoming who you want to be? The ability to trust and let go of the insecurities that you've lived with your entire life? When does someone saying "What did you do today?" stop meaning "Did you get off your lazy ass today?". And when does someone making a joke about spending money on you stop meaning "You owe me, and I plan to cash in.". When does a fresh start mean what it is? When does looking into someones eyes become seeing love there rather than the pain they could bring? How do you discern the difference between "guarded" and "incapable of love"? Can trust ever be regained in a heart that isn't used to feeling it? I've never been the gambling type with money, so why should it be any different to gamble with something thats much harder to get back? Maybe some people are just meant to live a life of indifference and fleeting emotional pleasure.
Love and Charity have so many similar qualities. Both should be given freely and until it hurts. Both should make you feel proud on the inside to give it and not expect anything in return. The only difference that I see in Charity and Love, is that Charity should be given privately, without anyone needing to know. Where as Love on the other hand, you should be proud to display. When I give Charity, I give it secretly. When I give Love, I want the whole world to know. Otherwise, is it really Love if it's something you feel no one else should know about it? Wouldn't that make the Love in itself Charity?
I saw him on facebook the other day and resisted the urge to send him a friend request. That would have been a poor move on my part. What if he accepted? ....What if he didn't? Some things in life you can wish never happened, but the fact is that they did. You live and you learn. And learn is what I did from him. I learned a lot of lessons about myself that come up now in present life obstacles. Things I appreciate now that I didn't then. Things that piss me off because I want something I cant have, and may have no right asking for. I learned how to love, and what to expect from love. When to let things go, and when to hold on to what I want. That it may take years to realize that the path my gut tells me to take WILL be worth it in the long run! I also realized one great thing. I dont love him anymore. Actually, it's been a while now. Thats a great feeling.
I've recently discovered that I'm not the 'man' I thought I was. There's a hell of a lot of girl in there. Who knew!? It was weird to discover that someone could bring that part of me out, or that it even exsisted anymore for that matter. I'm not sure what to do with that knowledge now though. Because I've also discovered that I'm still the same person I've always been. I'm probably certain to bail on a relationship before it becomes something I cant see myself living without. The woman in me wants it all...the man in me demands it.
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